


cause we are young and we're ashamed

by gracelessnight



Category: Gentleman Jack (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Harry Potter Setting, Alternate Universe - Teenagers, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-23
Updated: 2020-05-02
Packaged: 2020-09-24 13:24:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20359222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gracelessnight/pseuds/gracelessnight
Summary: She remembers the first time she sees her.She is firmly seated in the Ravenclaw section of the game, watching the players whizz by with Harriet and John Booth, her new friend, squashed on either side of her. It is Slytherin versus Gryffindor and Anne Lister is the one to beat, so much potential for only a fourth year. She is the seeker for the Slytherin team, moving more swiftly than Ann has ever seen anyone play in her lifetime.a harry potter au because why not!





	1. first year

**Author's Note:**

> so i haven't written fanfic in a HOT minute and i have no idea where this will go or end and i have a limited knowledge of harry potter right now because i've havent reread/reseen the material in another hot minute but i hope you enjoy and uh let me know if anything is wrong or bad or good!

Ann Walker tries to remember to breathe. One, two. One, two.

She stares at the wall in front of her, clutching her sister’s hand. They hold onto each other like they only have each other. Ironically (and sadly) this year, that is true. Elizabeth gazes at the stone with familiarity, a twinkle in her eye but Ann cowers. Running into a wall will surely bring nothing but pain, right?

“Are you ready?” Elizabeth squeezes her hand in reassurance.

Ann swallows and nods. One, two.

They run towards the wall; Ann squeezing her eyes shut so tight she sees white stars and suddenly they emerge on the other side. Conversations are flying all around them, children yelling, animals screeching and teenagers sprinting to rejoin their friends. Elizabeth gives her a small smile before arms flurry around her neck.

“Elizabeth!” The voice yells. Ann peeks behind her sister’s arm and sees Marian, her features soft and happy. She has only met her once before, at the funeral.

Marian extracts herself and bends down, a gold lock falling out.

“Hello Ann, are you excited?”

Ann can only give a peep of affirmation before starting to blush. To her right, she can see her distant cousins Harriet and Catherine enter the station. They look as bewildered as she imagined she looked running through that wall. Before she can stop her, Elizabeth waves them over with a smile.

“Harriet, Catherine! It’ll be so nice for Ann to have some company on the train!”

They smile brightly at her but Ann is still so painfully shy and just so _afraid_.

Elizabeth pulls her aside, noticing her apprehension and bends down to her level.

“Ann, today is the day. You’ve got nothing to be afraid of." She gestures towards the cousins. "Plus now you’ve got seat buddies! That’s definitely more than I had my first day.”

Ann looks up at the mention of seat buddies, sadness filling her eyes.

“You’re not going to sit with me?”

Elizabeth looks at her with such kindness, Ann sees her mother for a second.

“Darling, I wish I could but first-years enter through a different path. But I promise I’ll be with you every step of the way.”

Elizabeth pulls her tight against her before dropping a kiss on her forehead. She looks over at Ann, smoothing over wrinkles in her comically oversized robe.

“You’re ready.” She exclaims with a glint in her eye. “Do you have Lemon?”

Ann feels her rabbit jump around excitedly in her trunk at the mention of her name and she nods.

“I love you, no matter what.” She parts with another kiss on the head before shooing her towards Catherine and Harriet and wrapping her arms around Marian.

One, two. One, two.

—

She remembers the first time she sees her.

She is firmly seated in the Ravenclaw section of the game, watching the players whizz by with Harriet and John Booth, her new friend, squashed on either side of her. It is Slytherin versus Gryffindor and Anne Lister is the one to beat, so much potential for only a fourth year. She is the seeker for the Slytherin team, moving more swiftly than Ann has ever seen anyone play in her lifetime.

She’s supposed to be rooting for the Gryffindor team. She sees her sister on the other side of the stands in the Hufflepuff section. Elizabeth winks at her and Ann waves hello at Marian seated next to her sister. George Sutherland, her sister’s arrogant boyfriend, is a Chaser on the Gryffindor team and is currently performing rather poorly.

Right as she is about to say something to John, someone behind her loudly shouts “Go, Anne!”

Ann turns around just in time to see Anne Lister speeding past her face, making eye contact with Ann for the quickest of seconds before rushing off and catching the snitch only seconds later. The cheers are deafening.

She is later ushered to the field tucked between Marian and Elizabeth. Spotting her, Marian sprints over and gives her sister a laughing hug.

“You’ve done it again. Aunt is going to be so proud.”

Anne grins the brightest grin and slings her arm around Marian’s shoulder, giving it a squeeze.

“What can I say?" She mockingly shrugs. "I’ve got the golden touch.”

Ann is speechless throughout all this, frankly in awe of this sweaty, glowing girl in front of her. Her eyes dart to the snitch tucked in Anne’s other hand before meeting her eyes, startled at the kindness piercing through the pride. Anne smiles softly at her, placing her hand in front of her.

“Hello, I don’t think we’ve had the pleasure of meeting. I’m Anne Lister and who might you be?”

Ann blushes a deep crimson, opening her mouth to speak but Elizabeth cuts her off.

“This is my baby sister, Ann. She’s a first year so she’s extremely shy. You remember what that’s like.”

They all laugh.

At that moment, Ann feels a shot of anger. She can speak for herself. She can introduce herself to Anne.

Anne plays with the winning snitch, rolling it around in her right hand before sticking the hand out, palm up in front of Ann.

“Here.” She nudges it forward.

Ann looks up at her with such love that Anne’s hand falters a little before stilling again. Ann reaches forward, opening her mouth to thank her but a teammate rushes over, physically colliding into Anne.

“Marianna! This is Elizabeth and Ann Walker. You know my baby sister.”

Marianna Lawton is glowing with victory, a beater on the Slytherin team. She gives them flushed and polite smiles before grabbing Anne’s hand and pulling her away.

“Terribly sorry but we have a lot of celebrating to do and we need Anne Lister to do it!” She giggles, pulling Anne away. She shoots them an apologetic smile before lacing her hands more firmly through Marianna’s.

Ann stares daggers at their joined hands. She doesn’t know why yet but jealousy bursts in her heart. Not the same kind of jealousy she’d felt when Elizabeth got to go to visit her friends in Scotland and she had to stay behind and not the same kind of jealousy she’d felt when Catherine and Harriet gushed about boys over Christmas dinner and the only thought in her mind were the coffins entering the ground. It burned deep in her stomach, a pit of coal simmering. It would stay there for years.

—

She doesn’t see Anne again for awhile.

Ann gets caught up in the wonder of it all. She excels in Charms (Elizabeth's study of choice) and Potions (her mother's favorite subject), her professors pointing out her work especially. Elizabeth beams at every good grade she gets, pinning tests on her wall.

She spends a solid chunk of time in the library, burying her head in books. The only thing that stops her from fully living there is John, Catherine and Harriet dragging her away and forcing vegetables and pumpkin juice down her throat. She loves school and she loves her life here. Even the thought of her parents’ death doesn’t sting as much anymore as she picks up her first broom and zooms around haltingly. She accidentally runs into a wall her first time off the ground but brushes herself off and gets back on. Walkers are nothing if not stubborn.

One day she’s perusing one of the dark corners of the library, her wand illuminating the way down the Wormwood aisle, when she hears giggles.

“Hello?” She whispers.

She’s not going to blatantly break the library rules by speaking louder than a whisper.

More giggling and the sound of clothes rustling.

She turns the corner and sees two girls pressed up against each other, one of them with her lips pressed to the other's neck and-

Oh. It’s Anne and Marianna. She’d recognize that profile anywhere.

Ann freezes, her eyes wide. Her hand holding the wand starts shaking, shadows moving on the walls and only then do Anne and Marianna notice her.

Marianna yelps, turning her face away from the light as if she hasn’t been spotted already. Anne slowly takes her hand out from under Marianna’s skirt as if she were holding a secret in her palm. They both look like deers caught in headlights and Ann can do nothing but stand frozen, unable to walk away.

Anne gives her a cautious smile, approaching her slowly. She notices Ann’s hand shaking and covers it with her own.

Ann can only focus on the warmth on her hand and doesn’t even flinch when Marianna flies past her, missing the apologetic smile she flashes Anne as she rearranges her robes. It’s only her and Anne in the dark now.

One, two.

“Ann. Hello.”

Anne gives her a soft smile, her hand still warm.

“Hello.” Ann pauses. “You don’t have to worry. I won’t tell anyone.”

Anne starts to open her mouth but Ann cuts her off. “Not even Elizabeth.”

“I would hate to put you in that position. To have to lie to your own sister.”

Ann feels a low twinge in her stomach at the thought. She’s never purposely lied to her sister like this. She’s never had to. But she thinks of the golden snitch tucked under her pillow and she shakes her head.

“I want to keep this secret for you.”

Anne breaks into a grin, hugging her close. She squeezes her tight for a second before pulling away.

“Thank you, little Walker. This can be our secret to share.”

Ann beams at the thought. She is sharing a secret with the coolest girl in school. She doesn’t let her mind wander down the path of what she’s just seen but to think about all the things she will be able to do with her in the future. Maybe Anne can give her Quidditch lessons. Maybe _she_ could become a seeker just like her. 

Anne smiles quickly before turning to gather her things.

“Anne?”

“Mhm?” Anne hums distractedly, shoving books into her bag.

“Why were you guys in the dark? Were you hiding?”

At this, Anne stills. She thinks for a moment, opens and closes her mouth several times. Ann thinks she can actually see the cogs working in her brain.

“Well. I like girls. Always have and always will but Marianna…”

Anne pauses.

“Doesn’t Marianna have a boyfriend?” The second the words leave Ann's mouth, she regrets them. Her hand flexes, reaching forward as if she could snatch them back.

Anne hardens hearing those word ‘boyfriend’. Her mouth turns downwards into a disapproving frown.

“Hmph.” She grunts out. “He’s not good enough for her.”

She absentmindedly steps forward again, running a finger through Ann's blonde hair. “You’ll learn soon enough, Little Walker. You’re gonna have boys dueling for your hand.”

Ann blushes. She’s grateful for the darkness, her illuminated wand loosely pointed towards the floor.

That night, she dreams of a kiss. The face is familiar, feminine features and a curved waist. A smirk, a hand running through her hair.

She wakes with a smile on her face.

One, two.


	2. first year, summer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for all the kind comments and kudos!!! you are all the fire that keeps me going!

The summer before her second year is long. 

Ann can’t believe she's not allowed to use _ any _magic for three months. After being surrounded by towers of books and constant knowledge, how is she supposed to stop wanting to learn? Elizabeth won’t even let her attempt flying in their backyard, blaming the nosy neighbors and her lack of coordination.

To distract her (and to stop the incessant whining), Elizabeth lets her spend her summer days in the muggle library. There she lays in the work of Emily Dickinson, Virginia Woolf, and HG Wells. She silently mouths the words to herself, willing them into existence. On the rare occasion that she allows herself to be dragged away, she can be found at the pool with Catherine and Harriet. They giggle as the boys walk past, rubbing the lotion deeper into their skin but Ann feels nothing. She only buries her head into her book further before she is splashed with water, annoyed at their carelessness for her books.

The days are long and they all blur together. In her room, she marks down the days before she can go back to Hogwarts. Life is just so mundane now.

Until one day, Elizabeth announces that she’s going to visit Marian for two weeks down in Halifax before school and would Ann like to join?

“You don’t have to, I know it might be boring for you-“

Ann swiftly cuts her off. “Yes!”

Elizabeth looks over, amused. "Are you sure you don’t want to stay here? I’m sure the Rawsons won’t mind taking you in with Catherine.”

Ann nods enthusiastically. 

“It’ll be a nice change of pace. I’ve heard great things about Halifax!” 

(Ann has heard nothing of Halifax. She only knows that Anne Lister lives there.)

Elizabeth laughs and then nods, walking over to the phone to confirm with Marian.

“We’ll leave first thing this Friday.”

Ann smiles, turning to head back to her room. _Friday,_ she whispers to herself. Only four days to go. 

\- 

For the first three days, Anne isn’t home. 

Marian is giving them a tour of the house that first day, pausing to point at a room. 

“This is Anne’s room. I’d show you but she’s notoriously private and can sniff me out if I even step a toe in so I’ll let her show you when she comes back.”

Ann’s heart deflates at that. She’d been looking forward to sharing the same space as Anne for two weeks - getting to know her, seeing her practice and just being near her. She’s always felt safer when Anne was around, even if it was just for a split second passing through the corridors or on the sidelines, getting a glimpse of her whizzing by. 

“Whe- where is she?” Ann stammers out, attempting to sound uninterested. (It doesn’t work.)

Marian tuts, distractedly running a finger along a dirty window. 

“She went to Leeds with Marianna for a bit. She said she’ll be back tomorrow or the day after.” She turns back and winks at Elizabeth. “God knows what those two are up to.” 

They share a knowing look before laughing. The coal burns deeper into the pit of her stomach. 

Her mood drops for the rest of the day and she spends her first few days at Shibden pouting. 

Elizabeth, being an attentive sister, notices and tries to cheer Ann up. They go shopping and Elizabeth buys her a chocolate frog, having previously noted that Ann loved the collectible cards and has them stashed in a box tucked under her bed. This only wins her a small smile but Elizabeth declares it a victory for the day.

Time passes slowly, Ann counting down the hours. She listens as Marian drones on and on about this new boy that she has her eye on. She listens to Elizabeth gush about George, she’s lucky her eyes didn’t roll to the back of her head. She listens to Aunt Lister talk about her travels abroad, memories of young Anne and Marian. 

She sits, listens and waits. 

During dinner on the fourth night, Ann stabs at the green bean on her plate. She hasn’t had much of an appetite since finding out that Anne wasn’t and still isn’t here. Elizabeth chides her for playing with her food and she mumbles sorry, shoveling it in. She’s about to take another bite when the front door slams. Ann can only hear a flurry of giggles but suddenly she sits up straighter. Could it be?

Anne Lister rolls into view, her cheeks red from exertion and her bags already strewn on the floor. 

Her smile instantly lights up the room, drawing a reaction from every dinner guest. Her aunt throws her a wave and a “We missed you, Ann!” and Marian scoffs at the dramatics of it all. Her eyes land on Ann and she beams, opening her mouth to say hello when Marianna rolls in, doubled over. 

Her? Again? 

At this distraction, Anne turns to Marianna, affection in both of their eyes and tugs her along. 

“Sorry to barge in like this, is it alright if Marianna stays over tonight?” Anne doesn’t wait for an answer as she marches upstairs to her room with Marianna in tow. 

Ann slumps again. She’s waited this long and now she has to _ share _Anne’s attention? 

The green beans in her mouth go bitter. 

\- 

She sits glumly inside on this beautiful, sunny day. She watches, _glares,_ as Anne and Marianna whiz past each other on their brooms. Anne flies up next to Marianna and runs her broom into hers, faking innocence as Marianna screeches. Their laughter fills the space, ricocheting off the old walls. 

Elizabeth walks over, noticing her sister’s downtrodden mood. She runs a hand through her hair before placing her palm against her forehead. Ann mumbles something about feeling fine but Elizabeth knows that isn’t true. Ann’s natural temperament is placid but this is just upset painted all over her face. 

“Ann, do you want to go home early? I’m sure I can arrange something if that’s what you’d like.”

Ann shakes her head. She doesn’t want to go home but she doesn’t feel any need to stay here. She casts a look outside the window at Anne and Marianna, now laying down on the grass intertwining their legs. She shrugs and reaches down to pick at the threads hanging off her shorts. 

Elizabeth catches this forlornly look and it hits her. Her sister wants to hang out with these cool Quidditch girls. That’s why she was so keen on coming over. She resolves to make this happen. 

“You know, I think I saw an extra Comet in the hallway closet you could borrow. Marian mentioned it was one of Anne’s old models.” 

Ann’s face perks up, hopeful. “Do you think she would let me use it?” 

Elizabeth tries to hide her growing smile, she knew it. 

“Why don’t you go ask her?”

Ann looks down, her hair falling in front of her face. She murmurs something about being embarrassed and not wanting to be a bother. 

Elizabeth, affection blooming in her chest for this small, insecure girl, bends down and lifts her chin so they can look each other in the eyes.

“Ann. You are _never_ a nuisance. If anybody in your life dares to think so, they’ll have to see to me first.” 

Ann giggles at that, the idea of Elizabeth facing off with Anne Lister. There’s no doubt who would win (Anne is hitting record high marks in Defense Against the Dark Arts and she is incredibly smug about it) but she is so, so glad to have even this corner piece of family. 

She catapults off the ledge and crushes herself against her sister. 

A muffled “I love you” is murmured. Elizabeth holds her tightly, thinking that in a few short years Ann will be too embarrassed to utter those words again. (She’s wrong.)

And so Ann Walker musters up all the courage she can find and marches out there. Her small fingers clutching the old Comet, she walks up to Anne and Marianna abruptly announcing she would like to play. Anne laughs and agrees to lessons, a streak of pride in her eyes. 

She falls off her third attempt, out of practice from not being able to ride all summer. She hits the hedge face-first and though tears spring to her eyes, she wills herself to calm down. One, two. 

Anne sprints over when she hears the crash and pulls Ann out of the bush, instructing her to sit. She looks over her whole body, examining every little patch of skin. Ann finds it hard to breathe during all this, her eyes never leaving Anne’s face. 

It’s just the fall that knocked the wind out of me, she thinks. 

Anne winces as she sees several cuts and scrapes lining her legs. A gash on her arm. 

She looks around and takes her wand out, tucked into the waist of her pants. She winks at Ann and says, “I won’t tell you if you won’t.” 

She murmurs a spell, _ Episkey _. 

Ann watches in wonder as all the cuts and gashes close up on their own. God, Anne’s smart. 

“Thank you so much and I’m sorry I fell, I’ve just been-”

Anne silences her with a shake of her head and a finger against her lips. Ann stills, unwilling to break the moment. 

“Never apologize, Little Walker. As long as you get back up, you have nothing to apologize for.” 

With that, Anne pushes up off the ground and lifts her up as well. Ann holds onto her hand a little longer than necessary before reluctantly letting go. 

“Alright, let’s keep going. Let’s try the sloth grip roll again.” She flashes Ann a toothy smile. “You’re gonna be beating me out on the field in no time.”

-

She’s reluctant to leave as the end of the trip comes into sight. 

She’d grown accustomed to the morning trainings with Anne and Marianna (Marianna is quite nice, she’s discovered, and a good beater to boot. She's actually sad to see her go when Marianna leaves for home.), the afternoon tea times with Marian and their Aunt and reading with Elizabeth to cap it all off. She’ll miss the quiet mornings, free of the city noise she’d grown up with. She’ll miss being _ this _close to Anne. 

When all their bags have been packed and it’s time to leave, tears well up in her eyes. They had all said their goodbyes, Ann with a few more sweets from Aunt in her pocket and Elizabeth with a few sweaters that they knitted. Promises are exchanged to see each other soon.

Anne finds Ann last. She is looking at her with a wistful smile and a hand behind her back. Before Ann can say anything too gushy, she pulls out the Comet that Ann had been using the past weeks and places it in her hand. 

“I know you’ll take good care of her.” 

Ann starts to sputter, “I can’t take this. It’s too much-”

Anne cuts her off with a stern shake of her head. 

“You have a very bright future, Walker. Just be sure not to leave me in the dust.” 

\- 

At the start of her second year, Ann declares her intention to try out for the Ravenclaw Quidditch team. Harriet and Catherine are surprised at her admission. John just grins, revealing that he too is planning to try out. 

“Aren’t you afraid it’ll detract from your studying?” Catherine teases as they enter the Great Hall. 

“I’ll be fine. I have a very bright future.” She echoes, winking at her friends before they all burst into laughter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> disclaimer: in my mind ann and anne are 13 and 16 respectively (i know factually this is False but im the writer of this story dammit) and i’m focusing on just building their friendship/mentor ship/character development for now! romance when they are Grown!


	3. second year

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for being patient! have a very lovely weekend/vacation if you're in the us :~)

Ann Walker is caught falling asleep in History of Magic the day before try-outs. 

She's awoken with a start when Professor Binns plops a heavy book in front of her face. A quick swipe of her face reveals a small amount of drool and a large amount of shame. She apologizes profusely before returning to copying down notes.

It’s not that she doesn’t find it interesting. On the contrary, she is fascinated with the Warlock Convention that Professor Binns was discussing much to the chagrin of the rest of the students. But lately, she has been staying up late every night training and discussing strategies with John and worrying about if she’ll make the team or not. 

Studies are still incredibly important to her. She has months of studying planned ahead in case she made it on the team, making sure to find the balance between quidditch, school and her friends. It’s not that she has lost her passion for knowledge but flying, flying made her feel unstoppable. 

Her mother had been on the quidditch team when she was young, describing to Ann the feeling of weightlessness and the steadiness of the broom below her. Ann had listened in wonder, picturing the day her parents themselves would teach her the magic of quidditch. 

They never got to that. 

She feels the guilt of living her life when her family’s stopped theirs. She feels it weigh on her daily as wisps of memories start to fade, their faces becoming hazier. But seeing Anne play that match had re-ignited something in her and when she got back on to the broom, she realized what it was. It was hope. 

That night, Catherine and Harriet hug her tight wishing her the best of luck. 

In the dark, Lemon lays on her chest. She pets her to stop her hands from shaking from nerves. Before sleep claims her, she whispers a quick prayer towards the sky. 

“I hope I make you proud, Mom.”

-

“To Ann, the most talented girl. The Ravenclaw team is lucky to have you,” Elizabeth announces before knocking back the goblet (filled with pumpkin juice). Her sister’s voice booms off the walls.

It’s noon on a Saturday so the Great Hall is rather empty except stragglers coming in for a late breakfast. 

Ann smiles so hard her cheeks hurt but she doesn’t care. She’s surrounded by the people she loves and she made it onto the team. John, seated next to her, made it on as well. He will be a Keeper for the team and Ann, while still wanting to be a Seeker, was awarded the role as Chaser. 

There’s a cauldron cake in the middle (Elizabeth had bought it before Ann even made the team) that they’re all splitting off and Ann is so, so happy. She has Elizabeth and Marian across the table and John, Catherine and Harriet surrounding her. 

“Make sure to keep up with your schoolwork, Ann. And you’ve got to start thinking about what electives you want to take for your third year,” Marian warns. “Not everyone is as fantastical as my sister,” she says with a roll of her eyes. 

As if speaking of her summons the girl herself, Anne Lister walks in. Her eyes are hooded with sleepiness and she’s still dressed in her pajamas, just having risen from bed but she spots them anyways. 

When she sees her old Comet propped next to Ann and the cake in front of them, she pieces it together. She rushes over, pride swelling in her chest.

“Little Walker, you’ve done it.”

Ann shyly smiles. “It’s all because of you and your help. They were very impressed that I knew the sloth grip roll.”

John interrupts, his ears perking at the sound of quidditch talk.

“Oh, you should’ve seen their faces when Ann went upside down like that. They were in shock. They couldn’t believe she was just a second year!” John nudges Ann, encouraging her to speak. 

Ann shrugs, trying to move away from the attention. 

Harriet rolls her eyes, “Ann, stop being so humble. You killed it.”

Anne grins, reaching over to Marian’s plate for a piece of cauldron cake. They squabble for a bit - “Get your own piece, the cake is _ right _ there,” but Anne triumphs stealing a piece. 

“Excellent. I was getting bored out there anyways,” she says with a gleam in her eye. 

Ann is going to have a hard time trying to beat Anne Lister.

-

Her first game as Chaser is only two months later, Ravenclaw vs Hufflepuff, and Ann is freaking out.

Her grip on John’s arm keeps tightening and only when he starts to vocally wince does she realize. They’re sitting in the Ravenclaw tent, getting ready and going over strategies. The Ravenclaw captain, Thomas Sowden, is discussing how to clear the field for the Seeker but Ann cannot, for the life of her, focus. 

Everything slows down and quickens simultaneously and before she knows it, she’s out on the field floating above Madam Hooch. The roars coming from the stands only amp up her anxiety as she nervously fiddles with her broom. She looks around for a familiar face but they all blur together. 

She slips her goggles on at Thomas’ word. One, two.

John flashes her a reassuring smile. One, two.

And the game starts, the quaffle thrown in the air.

For a second, she forgets everything. She’s still as everyone flies around her but someone _ screams _her name and the instincts kick in. She flies up next to Eugenie, one of the Hufflepuff Chasers, making a beeline for the Ravenclaw goal posts and snatches the quaffle out of her arms. 

Before a bludger reaches her, she tosses it over and gracefully dodges. They score a point. 

She spots Elizabeth on her next turn and beams, passing her and her homemade Go Ann! sign despite the glares of her housemates around her.

Thomas yells her name and she turns, catching the moving quaffle in her hands. She races towards the Hufflepuff goalposts, fakes left and throws it past their goalkeeper, marking another ten points for her team.

The Ravenclaw stands cheer and stomp. Though airborne, she can feel the thump in her bones. Harriet and Catherine’s scream cut through the noise and her adrenaline spikes again. 

She sails past the bludgers, weaving through them and feeling unstoppable. She mutely hears the crowd chanting her name.

At that moment, she spots Anne. She’s cozied up with Marianna but that doesn’t stop her from catching Ann’s eye and winking at her.

Ann is still for only a moment, looking back but at that moment, a bludger finds her and she scrambles for purchase. She vows to not let herself get distracted again, her eyes purposely missing the Gryffindor stands for the rest of the game.

The Ravenclaw Seeker finds the snitch minutes later and they are declared the winner of the game. Ann is glowing.

-

A few weeks before winter break, Ann starts to falter. 

She started out strong, maintaining a good balance of her responsibilities but she starts to sleep later and her notes start to become less legible. She sometimes goes days without speaking to Catherine, Harriet or John outside of class or practice. Her test scores are steadily dropping and her captain becomes increasingly impatient as her quaffles sail past the rings. 

So after class one day, Professor McGonagall pulls her aside after class. 

They were practicing the Lapifors spell and Ann, for the life of her, could not get the goblet to turn into a rabbit. It wasn’t the lack of results that worried the Professor but the increasing frustration that arose. The normally studious and quiet Ann was spinning out of control. 

“Now I know you’re more than capable but I wanted to make sure everything was alright?” Professor McGonagall asks, perched on a desk towards the front of the room.

Ann’s lip starts to quiver. She hasn’t spoken to anybody about the tightness in her chest that she’s started to feel. Nor has she spoken to anybody about how exhausted she was, every bone in her body heavy. 

If Anne Lister could do it, why couldn’t she?

She opens her mouth to reassure Professor McGonagall, it’s just been a rough couple of weeks everything will be okay but when only when the salt hits her tongue does she realize she’s crying. 

“It,” her breath hitches. “I just thought I could handle it all.”

Professor McGonagall places a hand on Ann’s shoulder as she lets herself cry. They stay silent for a few minutes, the occasional sniffle heard. As Ann goes to thank her or apologize, she’s still trying to decide, Professor speaks. 

“You don’t have to do it alone, Ann. It’s okay to ask for help sometimes.” 

With that, Professor McGonagall walks her to Madam Pomfrey for the night. Ann understands and doesn’t ask any questions. 

-

She wakes up to the sound of arguments by her bedside. Harriet and Catherine having a whisper fight on one side and Elizabeth on the other, holding her hand and just looking at her. 

At the sight of her eyes groggily opening, Harriet and Catherine cease their fight and they all collectively let out the biggest sigh of relief.

“Ann, we were so worr-“

“Ann! Why didn’t you tell-“

Elizabeth quickly shushes them. “One at a time, girls. Give her some room to wake up.”

They both bow their heads in shame as if caught in the act. 

Elizabeth reaches over and smooths the hair on Ann’s head, worry permeating her eyes. Ann will never forget this look. She’s only seen this look once before, dressed in black. 

“I’m sorry,” Ann mumbles, looking away. “I thought I could handle it all. I didn’t want to bother anyone with my problems.”

They all look at her with sympathy? Pity? Ann can’t tell but she hates it. She turns, burrowing her face deeper into the pillow. 

With that, Madam Pomfrey shoos them away though Elizabeth insists on staying. Ann argues, her classes are important and she’ll still be here when it's over so Elizabeth begrudgingly leaves for Care of Magical Creatures and Ann is alone again. 

From then on, she wakes up on and off throughout the day. Voices fading in and out and someone holding her hand, reading a book aloud to her. 

“Madam Pomfrey, I will be no more than five minutes. I promise.” 

Anne Lister’s whisper is a loud ring in the relatively quiet room. Her voice wakes Ann up with a jolt. 

She hears a few more words exchanged and a reluctant sigh. Footsteps walk towards her bed and she feigns sleep, unable to deal with another person’s, let alone Anne Lister, disappointment.

Anne quietly sits down in the chair left there by Elizabeth and fiddles with her hands a little. There’s a pause in the air.

“I know I seem invincible at times but it’s all sort of a facade. It’s a defense so people can’t hurt me as they had in the past.” 

Ann can hear in her voice that she’s nervous. 

“What I’m trying to say is you’re not alone. God knows Marian has dealt with my fair share of outbursts.” Anne shudders at the thought. 

She leans closer to Ann, “You’ll be alright. You’ll be better than alright, Little Walker.”

Ann falls the ghost of her hand hover over her own static one and then the sounds of someone walking away.

Christmas break can’t come soon enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always thank you for the lovely comments and kudos!! yell at me if you have any feelings!


	4. second year, fin

Winter break is slow and quiet but that’s exactly what Ann needs. 

After the “incident”, as her extended family is calling it, she took a leave of absence from the team and finished out her classes. She managed to pull A’s and even a few E’s thanks to Harriet, Catherine, and John pooling their notes. 

She knew they were worried about her. She’d seen them whisper to each other in the hallways when they didn’t think she had arrived yet or in the Ravenclaw common room early in the morning. She was so, so grateful to have them support her but right now all she wants to do in crawl into bed and stay there.

So the first few days, she does exactly that. 

Elizabeth knows better than to bother her, leaving food on her bedside table and occasionally just sitting with her. Harriet and Catherine drop by sometimes, always bringing some sort of gossip. 

Did Ann hear that Thomas Sowden broke his leg in the last game and now has to step down from being captain next semester? Did she hear that Sophie Ferrall was caught sneaking into the Leaky Cauldron? Did she hear that Marianna and her boyfriend, Charles, are in India on vacation and reportedly blowing an incredible amount of money? 

At that last one, Ann’s heart breaks just a little. She sometimes forgets that Anne and Marianna are a secret, one that she still keeps close to her chest. 

But this stillness, in contrast to her summer just months ago, is what she needs. She lays in bed and lets herself heal. She lets her thoughts disperse and focus on nothing but the slant of light that hits above her bed. 

Sometimes, if she has the energy, she’ll take out her sketchbook and sketch whatever is on her mind. The quidditch pitch, her sister’s smile, Catherine and Harriet laughing, Anne Lister’s eyes. 

One day, close to the beginning of the new school semester, she hears a tapping. 

She buries her head under the pillow, yelling at Elizabeth to stop knocking. The tapping only continues and she groans in frustration. Finally, she pops out of bed and hunts, looking for the source until she sees an owl at her window. 

It’s a snow-white owl with a note attached to its leg. She doesn’t think much about it -- John had been promising to send her a letter but when she opens it, she instantly knows that the intricate script does not belong to John.

_ Ann, I hope this finds you well. I am just extending the hand that I wished someone had extended to me when I was in your position -- if you are to need anything, please feel free to ask. You have so much potential, Little Walker. I would hate to see you burn out fast.  _

_ -A. Lister _

She rereads the letter over and over again until the words are burned into her brain. 

The last few weeks, she's been smiling for other people. A smile for Elizabeth to say that she will be okay, a smile for Harriet and Catherine to reassure them that she'll be back, a smile for her aunts and uncles that she won't be dropping out of Hogwarts. This smile, the smile that dances on her face when she reads the letter, is all for her.

That night, she walks up to Elizabeth at the dinner table and tells her she needs help. She needs something to change. That is how she meets Dr. Belcombe.

-

With the help of Dr. Belcombe, the rest of her second year goes off without a hitch. 

Her studies come first as she prolongs her time off from quidditch. She comes to the first few practices, watching from the bench but these visits make her too sad so she steps back. 

She learns to step back.

Dr. Belcombe stresses the importance of taking a breath. She tells him of the one, two technique she uses. He tells her it should be longer. And so she counts longer, she lets herself be still for a while.

With suddenly more free time, she gets to take in her surroundings more. 

She greets Nearly Headless Nick every day with a nod. Ravenclaw steadily gains house points as she starts to participate more in class. She cheers John (and secretly Anne) on at games, painting her face silver and blue. It hurts less every time though it never goes away. She and Catherine are paired for Potions and she gets to see her brilliant friends in action. 

All of them get together for a big breakfast once a week and catch up. Elizabeth, Marian, and Anne all make appearances, laughing at their seemingly minimal problems. Her grades excel again and she decides what electives she wants to take next year.

Though they don’t talk personally again, Professor McGonagall greets her the first day back. 

“It’s good to see you looking well, Ms. Walker.”

“I’m glad to be here, Professor McGonagall.”

They nod to each other with an understanding.

-

Her last week, she can’t fall asleep. 

She had stayed up late in the library cramming for the History of Magic and Charms finals scheduled for the next day. Her friends tapped out one by one until it was just her at midnight, the librarian forcing her out. She dragged her tired body back to her bed and that’s where she’s been for the past hour. 

It’s quiet. There is a feeling of pause on campus, everyone holding in their breaths for the exam season. 

Ann feels ready, she knows everything that has to be known and a bit more. 

But she cannot fall asleep. 

So she sneaks outside onto the quidditch pitch, her Comet in her right hand and her wand in her left. She mutters a charm, that Elizabeth foolishly taught her, turning her invisible to the human eye to avoid alarm.

The first few times she gets back on, she falters. It’s been months now and she isn’t quite as good as she used to be and her heart sinks at the thought. She slowly practices some moves, trying to throw the quaffle through the posts. 

An hour passes and she’s drenched in sweat but she feels lighter. She gears herself up to try the sloth grip roll again, the move that landed her a spot on the team and the first move that Anne ever taught her. It’s fitting then that when she’s firmly upside down is when she spots her.

She loses her grip and starts to fall towards the ground but before Anne can even react, she mutters  _ Ascendio.  _ Her body is thrown up again but she maneuvers herself feet down and lands safely. 

“Impressive,” Anne says with a cheeky grin. Her arms are folded and she’s leaning against the pitch.

“How long have you been there?” Ann asks, both of them still as if waiting for the other to make the first move. 

“Long enough. You look good up there, Little Walker.”

Ann shrugs, “I’m rusty.” She doesn’t know where the boldness comes from but it strikes her in the chest. She ignores the breaths, words impulsively blurted. 

“Watch out though. Next year, I’m coming for the championship title.” 

Anne Lister laughs at that, the sound ringing through the quiet night. Ann can’t help but feel pleased. She made her laugh. 

With that, Anne strides forward. She mutters something under her breath and suddenly her Firebolt appears out of thin air, flying into her hands. 

“Prove it,” She mounts her broom and flies closer to Ann. A challenge twinkling in her eyes. 

Ann grins devilishly, reaching down to the chest near her feet and grabbing the snitch. 

“First to grab it wins?” 

Anne smirks, nodding. She’ll go easy on Ann, to make her feel better. 

With that, Ann releases the snitch and quickly hops onto her broom, speeding after it. The second Ann whizzes by, Anne realizes she’s underestimated her. 

They weave in and out of each other, in sync. They circle each other on opposite sides, each daring the other to make the first move. They are two halves of a whole.

Anne knows Ann is afraid to touch her, afraid to get dirty. So she teases her. 

“Ann Walker. Always so clean.” 

Ann scoffs at that. She knows Anne is just baiting her and she knows Anne is not expecting anything remotely unlawful from Ann. 

So she blags Anne Lister. She sees Anne spotting the snitch, flies up behind her and  _ yanks _ at her broom. Anne jolts, almost falling off and when she regains balance, Ann is flying in front of her, the proud smirk reflected back and holding the snitch in her right hand. 

Maybe she’s not so little anymore, Anne thinks.

Ann will go on to rejoin the team, winning the position of Seeker. She will go on to pass her exams with flying colors, pushing Ravenclaw to win the House Cup. 

She will be alright but she doesn't feel that way until this moment looking Anne in the eyes, feeling the snitch hot in her hand. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello thank you for all your time again and sorry for the longer wait! real life is a bummer but this place isn't!


	5. third year

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> disclaimer: i have definitely fucked up the ages but in my mind now they're 15-16

With the blessing of Dr. Belcombe and a rigid schedule of check-in’s, Ann finds herself back on the bench for tryouts. 

Thomas, fully recovered from his injury and clearly trying to make up for it, is pushing the new recruits harder than normal. 

“Ten more rounds and if any of you slip, we’ll be restarting,” he shouts from the sidelines. 

Ann is dripping with sweat, she hasn’t had to physically work this hard in months but she’s determined to make it count. When she first brought up the idea of rejoining the team, Thomas had said that she could come back to her old position as a Keeper but she refused. Thomas warned her that she would have to try out again and she only shrugged. She was coming back as a Seeker or she wasn’t coming back at all -- simple as that. 

Something Dr. Belcombe and her worked on over the summer was the idea that she has to be her own priority. Ann has issues with pushing herself farther than she should for the sake of others, but to know what she wants and parse it down to its simplest form is their work in progress. She wants to be a Seeker. She wants to be a good friend and sister. She wants to do well in school.

(The idea of a relationship is in the back of her mind as Catherine and Harriet giddily obtain summer boyfriends but she can’t wrap her head around it.)

So this is step one. 

John, and occasionally Anne, had practiced with her running her through different rounds and strategies. John was elated to see his friend back on the broom, worried she might’ve been discouraged forever. 

She sees his glowing face as he sits on the grass with Catherine and Harriet, cheering her on. She’ll have to thank him later, he’s a big part of why she’s back.

There’s a specific move they’d been practicing for months -- the Wronski Feint. It requires her to plummet towards the ground and pull up at the last second, hopefully driving the other Seeker to follow and crash instead. The first couple of times she’d tried it, she’d be so banged up that Elizabeth forbade her from seeing John for weeks. With a broken index finger and a partial concussion, Ann was in no playing state but she was determined to get it. 

Finally, she turned to Anne for help after fracturing her elbow slamming into the ground for the 54th time. Anne had only laughed at this bruised and bloodied girl in the front of her, recognizing herself in this determined Ann. And so they trained. And after she doesn’t hit the ground on her 92nd try, her muscles already tense in anticipation of the impact, Anne Lister screams for her. They celebrate, Anne treating her to her favorite ice cream in town (“It’s a local secret,” she says with a wink) and while Ann has gotten over the initial fan adoration, her palms still get a little sweaty whenever she’s around Anne. 

And so during a practice scrimmage, she gears up to do the Wronski Feint. She’s nervous though she knows she can do it successfully. If she fails, she’ll be face-planting in front of  _ all  _ of her classmates but she knows this will be what lands her that spot, this will be what marks Ann Walker as a threat and the thought of being seen as a threat, after years of being babied, is only further motivation. 

She spots the snitch but it’s closer to the other Seeker, whizzing in the background. She feigns surprise and begins The Wronski. She swiftly moves toward the ground and out of the corner of her eye, she sees the other Seeker start to follow. She takes a deep breath as her broom starts to shake with the speed and stares at the spot on the ground where she intends to go. She counts a one, two, three, and then she leans back, pulling her broom away six inches before collision and she only lets herself breathe again when she hears the yelp and tumble of the other body. 

John will later tell her that he heard Thomas swear under his breath “Holy fucking hell,” when Ann swerves away from the ground.

That’s how she becomes the second-string Seeker of the Ravenclaw team. 

\-- 

Ann decides to take Care of Magical Creatures and Divination (Harriet and Catherine convince her, telling her it’s an easy pass,) as her electives of the year. 

She’s excited about Care of Magical Creatures, having grown up in the city her whole life. She loves Lemon but the idea of Hippogriffs, Thestrals, and even Unicorns was far beyond her kid imagination and now she gets to  _ meet _ them. 

Ann, if she may say so herself, kills the first class. She’s able to answer four different questions about the Flobberworm (They’re edible! They’re one of the few creatures you’re able to summon!), gaining points for her house and she’s the first to volunteer when the professor asks if anybody would like to dig through the dirt and poop to find them. 

For the second class, they’re assigned to partner up and go around campus, trying to find Flobberworms in the wild. She doesn’t know anybody in the class and is nervous when everyone turns to one another and starts to excitedly chatter. The anxious feeling starts to flare back up when she feels a tap on her shoulder. A thin, blonde boy smiles at her and offers his hand.

“I noticed you looking around and I don’t really have friends in this class either,” he blushes. “Would you like to be partners?”

The burn in her chest starts to dissipate and Ann reminds herself that she is okay, she will be okay.

She takes his hand with a grin and shakes it, “I would be thrilled to. I’m Ann Walker.”

He nods shyly, “I know. I’ve seen you play on the field, you’re so good. I’m James Mackenzie.”

She blushes at the thought of anyone noticing  _ her _ on the field when there are so many other amazing players out there. She shrugs modestly.

“Thank you! Now let’s go looking, these worms aren’t going to find themselves.”

He shakes his head with a grimace, “No they aren’t.”

\--

Ann notices James when she’s eating with Catherine and Harriet one day and waves him over. He’s nervous at first, clearly not used to being around this many girls but when John joins them, he relaxes and with time, he begins to add to the conversation. They unofficially fold him into the group as he begins to show up to more meals. Sometimes he’ll come to the Ravenclaw common room to help them with History of Magic (“This is the most  _ boring _ subject in the world,” Catherine moans flopping herself over her armrest. “I don’t know how you care so much, James.”) and sometimes she’ll go over to the Hufflepuff common room to help him with Charms. 

She only realizes it when Catherine and Harriet start teasing her.

“Oh, you’re going to go hang out with James?” Catherine practically purrs at her. She turns to Harriet with a giggle, “I bet he’s aceing Charms but is just pretending to be bad at it.”

Harriet nods in the affirmative, swatting Ann. “Oh definitely. Our little Ann has an admirer.”

They’re on the grass trying to enjoy the last few warm days of fall and hell, why can’t they just leave boys out of the conversation? 

She bows her head allowing her hair to cover her face, she doesn’t really want to talk about this but Harriet and Catherine mistake this. 

“Oh my god, she’s blushing. Ann!” They collectively squeal. 

“Oh Ann, James is perfect for you! He’s so nice and smart and sweet, he’ll be such a good boyfriend,” Harriet raves. She turns to Catherine and they start gossiping about triple dates to Hogsmeade and couple Halloween costumes.

Ann can only shoot them a weak smile and nod before claiming a stomach bug and curling up in her bed. 

It could not be true. Harriet and Catherine could just be stirring the pot as they so love to do. So Ann decidedly shakes it off, she won’t believe it until James says the words himself. So she continues on as if no realization has happened but she begins to notice. 

He’ll take extra care to prepare their workspace when she shows up to class. He’ll sometimes have her favorite treat (lemon pie) for her at dinner when she’s running late. He even sits just a little closer to her when they’re studying for Charms, their knees brushing. 

The more she notices, the more she starts to panic. Her stomach starts to ache at the sight of him and she begins to pull away. She comes up with more excuses as to why she can’t come to meals and study sessions and she only really says hello as she passes him in the hall. She knows he’s hurt, she can tell by the expression on his face but she can’t help it. Her body physically folds in on itself at the thought of him asking her out. 

\--

She talks about this in a session with Dr. Belcombe (or rather he brings it up). 

He notices she’s distracted, fidgeting at a loose string, and clears his throat. “What’s been bothering you, Anne?”

She shrugs, trying to play her nervousness off. 

“I- There’s this boy, James and he- Catherine and Harriet think that- Well I know that,” She stutters out but Dr. Belcombe is patient with her, knowing that Ann needs to work things out to make them tangible to her. 

She takes a deep breath, “Well this boy likes me.”

He waits a beat to see if she has more to say. Ann does not.

“And that’s a problem for you?”

Ann pauses to collect her thoughts, “Well, I think the fact that I feel it’s a problem is a problem.”

“And why do you feel that it’s a problem?”

“I just don’t want to think about boys, I have enough to deal with. Quidditch and school and frankly, having to hear Catherine and Harriet talk about boys is a second job itself…” She mutters to herself. 

“You don’t like that they talk about boys around you?”

“Well, it’s not that, it’s that they haven’t really talked about anything else,” She looks down and starts picking at her cuticles. “I just wish we could all go back to before when we didn’t have to think about stupid  _ boys _ . I don’t want to think about James like that but I’m worried that means I’m not normal,” she tugs at a cuticle and winces as it comes off.

“Ann,” Dr. Belcombe says definitively to get her attention. “There is nothing abnormal about not wanting to date. It’s reasonable to want to dedicate your time to the things that matter the most to you and it’s important to.”

“Well it’s just,” Ann starts but she pauses. “It’s not that I don’t want to date, it’s just… I wish Harriet and Catherine would stop pushing me on this.” 

Dr. Belcombe gives her a gentle smile, “Harriet and Catherine have been by your side through all of this. You should trust your friends and yourself that you can ask them to respect your boundaries and they’ll listen.” 

Ann leaves the session feeling better than she has in weeks. 

\--

Catherine and Harriet are already sitting at the table when Ann gets to the Great Hall for dinner. They’re reaching around the table for various items, Catherine cheering when she finally finds her favorite gravy boat hidden under the dishes. Ann starts towards them, trying to calm her nerves. But as she steps closer, she finds the words in her throat slowly making their way down into her stomach, forming into the pit that was bothering her in the first place.

She reaches them, opening her mouth to speak but is hit with a wave of nausea. What if they find her too childish and immature and don't want to hang out with her anymore? What if they start asking her why she doesn’t want to date James or why she never joins them with talking about boys? What if they like her less for this? 

So Ann silently sits down and when James joins them a few minutes later and asks her quietly if she would like to study together later, she finds herself with nothing to say but yes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! sorry for the long wait and thank you for your patience!! 2020 has been truly a real bitch but i hope you're all thriving and well!
> 
> s/o to greekdemigod, this sad one's for you


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